Could-Have-Beens, If-Only’s, and What-Ifs

There are times that I’d lie down on my bed at night. It would be way beyond 10 or 11 PM. All lights are shut down. Everything would be pitch-black, except for a few spots here and there which illuminated by the argent moonlight and flimsy rays from the lamp of the electrical pole outside.

While everyone is already asleep, I’d still be awake and my eyes would still be open. I’m not really sure if it’s insomnia or not. A barrage of memories and thoughts would lambast my conscious mind. sually, it’s a case of “last song syndrome”, or residual excitement (from playing a game, watching a show or movie, or reading a book), or some unproductive and negative thoughts (that I occasionally struggle to dismiss). It may be that, or a flashback of memories which range from the few moments before I hit the sack or some instance that occurred years ago. Some of those instances would pertain to plans that didn’t push through, mistakes that could’ve been averted, deliberate sins that could’ve been absolutely repudiated, people that could’ve been closer friends, places that could’ve been explored, events and experiences that could’ve been significant, things that could’ve been created, opportunities that could been further expanded and utilized to their fullest potentials…

Could-have-beens (also known as could-haves) accompany the aforementioned barrage of wishful thinking that deprives me of my slumber.

- I could have been spending more of my time in mastering my formulas than sitting in front of the computer or TV screen, so that I could have had a more acceptable grade in Physics or Algebra back in High School…
– I could have been saving my allowance last semester to buy that new novel by whosthatauthoragain, that whatchamacallit gadget, etc.
– I could have excused myself from my ********** class with Sir/Miss ****** so that I could have attended Tal Kravitz’s musical performance…
– I could have just kept myself from saying or doing this or that instead of doing otherwise; the impression of other people about me could have changed…
– I could have asserted myself as a person with dignity, rather than let others (especially those “friends” of mine) stomp down on me, ridicule me, make wrong assumptions and conclusions about me, and misuse/abuse me.

Oftentimes, it’s a bunch of what-ifs.

- What if I just let go of the PC and passed it on to my little cousin, instead of being a bratty man-child and yelling at her to go away that one afternoon?
– What if I just refused the idea of deliberately watching those lascivious videos in the past, instead of sating my curiosity and jumpstarting a nasty, counterproductive habit which I had to struggle with and quit later on?
– What if I just shut my mouth, bottled up my feelings for someone and focused more on productive things, instead of flattering my crush/”inspiration”/object-of-affection in the past by telling her that I really like (or “love”) her?
– What if I treated my classmate back in nth grade or year with more respect and acknowledgement instead of being a snob or a jerk?
– What if I just took responsibility/liability myself for my mistake or wrongdoing instead of hiding from punishment or jurisdiction?

…And there are times that it’s the if-only’s.

- If only I could tell that guy or girl that I would like to be good friends with him or her, I could’ve made the impression of not being a snobbish or “suplado” person.
– If only I could tell my cousin (or some other family member) that I really love him/her and that I am really concerned about him/her, I could have had a greater feeling of security and belonging with my family.
– If only I could have had, more or less, the same interests and mindset of my peers and colleagues, I could have had a greater feeling of security and belonging with the people around me.
– If only I could have spent more time studying for my academics, I could have had excellent or near-perfect marks rather than settling for grades decent or “good enough” grades.
– If only I could have just swallowed my pride, apologized for the wrong things I had done and repaired the damage myself, I could have reconciled myself with others and earned people’s respect and acknowledgement more.

I could have been a better and stronger person…
What if I could completely give up my negative traits?
If only I could have changed myself for the better early on…

These are the kind of thoughts that not only plague me past my bedtime, but also disturb me during my working hours. I cannot help but to think what I could have done and not done, what I could have changed and maintained and what I could have planned and organized in advance. I know it is impractical and unrealistic, but these thoughts just happen. They just sort of come to me.

People might call me angst-ridden and being too worried, but I suppose it is already a part of my character. It might be my own psychosomatic defense mechanism for coping with life. And it isn’t easy to change that.

Indeed, I dwell too much on wishful [and regret-filled] thinking. However the things I think of are things of the past. You cannot change history…

And yet, it doesn’t mean you cannot change the future. You can transform what is to come by doing what needs to be done NOW. I may not be able to change the past,  but I can change the future by changing the present.

There may still be unchangeable things (like parts of my identity), but as the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi says:

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.”

…And this reminds me of my humanity. I am only human. I am flawed. I am imperfect. Nevertheless, I can EXCEL and IMPROVE.

With regard to the things “THAT ARE” about me, I am Peace Flores, a young Negrense BSEd – English major student with mild cerebral palsy. I am politically progressive but I am a devout Roman Catholic. I can be moody, shallow, fun-loving, disoriented, stubborn, pessimistic, pathetic and lax sometimes but I can be composed, deep, serious, motivated, open-minded, enthusiastic, dynamic, and excellent also. I may have foes and adversaries but I also have family and friends.  Writing is my work, as well as my hobby and talent. Among other things, I also draw, read and play. Like other people, I have my own interests and pet peeves. I laugh [most of the time] and cry [sometimes]. I also feel pain, suffering, rage, boredom and anxiety. I have my strengths, in spite of my own weaknesses and strengths. I have a dream and that dream is to do great things to uplift society and change the world for the better, even if I have to offer my life and make valuable sacrifices. That’s just the way things are with me. This is my identity.

Could-have-beens, if-only’s, and what-ifs may come and go but I’ll just do what I can for now.

With this in mind, I hope can finally get myself to lighten up and rest more often. Sweet dreams! Zzz…

Good luck, godspeed, God bless!