NOTE TO SELF

It’s been quite a while since I wrote.

Look at what I’ve become for the past few months. This is not merely a teenage phase for the past few months have been my Dark Ages. I’m in a state of retrogression. I’ve become stressed, depressed, anxious, decrepit and debauched. This is not just because I haven’t written for quite a while. I had negativity. I could’ve done better than just let negativity stagnate my mind and erode away my morale. Because of negativity, I made erroneous decisions and had wrong priorities. My judgment was clouded, my optimism was choked and my resolve was stifled.

And so, I think I’ve fallen from the grace of some people. I have no doubt that the way they look upon me may have changed because of my retrogression. I’ve isolated myself from good people. I put myself in invisible walls by living in my own world and living life according to my self-whims. I had despair, pessimism, perversity, doubt, irresponsibility, deceit, idleness, hatred, egotism, envy, intemperance and conceit. I have put my life in a state of chaos.

My situation may seem pitiful. However, I cannot pity myself and I should not have other people pity myself because I never deserved pity in the first place. It was my fault why my life got wrong in the past few months. However, I still have my principles (or whatever remains of them). I know that I cannot keep myself submerged in my darkness. Amidst these inner demons that torment me, perhaps there still remains some angelic solace, some hope that I can change my mess of a life.

I am human. I have my flaws. But, I know how to make up for my flaws. All I need is some push. That push should come from myself since I should not solely entrust my life to others.

I’ve fallen low and deep, so I must get back up. I shall free myself from this negativity. I shall not isolate myself from others anymore. I’ll learn to prioritize. I’ll be more responsible, proactive and diligent in my studies. I’ll do what I can to reestablish my integrity. I’ll revive my dead optimism and severely injured conscience. I must stand up again no matter how painful my stumble was.

The past few months put metaphorical scars on me but I will face my consequences with conviction. Whatever can be corrected, I shall repair myself. I’ll cling on to my principles. I’ll consider my experience as a baptism of fire. I learned a lot. And I hope that others can learn as well from what I went through.